Agatha Parrot and the Heart of Mud Read online

  Ivy Malting and Her Secret-Message-Sending Leg

  The next day at lunchtime we were all outside sitting on the bench. Martha and Ivy looked at the bit of paper I was holding. It had foreign, addresses, and spaghetti on it.

  “Are you sure those words are on the test?” asked Martha.

  “It’s worth a try,” I said.

  “Maybe not,” said Martha, sounding worried. “It’s not fair if I know what words are coming and the others don’t.”

  “But it’s going to be you or Gwendoline who gets the last place on that team,” I said. “And Gwendoline never even wanted to do it in the first place.”

  “If you beat her, you’ll be doing her a favor,” said Ivy.

  “Would I?” asked Martha.

  “Oh, yes!” we all said. “Definitely.”

  “Well, okay, then,” said Martha. “I’ll give it a try.”

  Martha stared at the words on the paper, then shut her eyes.

  “F-O-R-R-I-N,” said Martha.

  “That’s not even close to how you spell foreign!” I said.

  “Thank goodness for that,” said Martha. “I was trying to spell spaghetti.”

  HA HA HA HA HA!

  We were glad Martha could joke about it, but how was she going to spell the words right on the test?

  “You could take that bit of paper in with you,” said Ivy.

  “Too risky,” I said. “Mrs. Twelvetrees might see it.”

  “Then you’d tree in big bubble,” said Bianca.

  Bianca was right. And even though Mrs. Twelvetrees is really nice, she is the principal, so you don’t want to tree in big bubble with her.

  “You need to write the words down somewhere less obvious,” I said.

  “Martha could write them on the back of her hand,” said Ivy.

  “Still kind of obvious,” I said.

  “I suppose so,” said Ivy. Then she pulled her sock down to see how the scab on her knee was doing . . . and accidentally gave me a brilliant idea!

  “Hey, Martha,” I said. “When you tried out, where did the two of you sit?”

  “Ivy was at the desk next to me,” said Martha. “But there was a gap in between so we couldn’t copy.”

  “A gap?” I said. “That’s perfect. So could you look down and see Ivy’s legs?”

  “Well, I could if I wanted to,” said Martha with a strange expression on her face. “But why would I want to see Ivy’s legs?”

  Oh, honestly! Do I have to explain EVERYTHING?

  At least Ellie and Bianca had understood. Bianca got one of her thick art pens out of her bag and then passed it over to Ellie, who can write neatly without crossing anything out.

  Soon Ellie had written the three words in big letters on Ivy’s leg. Then Ivy pulled her sock up to cover them. When it came time for the spelling test, all Ivy would have to do was pull her sock down, and Martha could copy the words out. Perfect!

  But then Gwendoline Tutt came marching over, looking smug.

  “Are you two ready to lose again?” Gwendoline said. “Because I’ve been practicing.”

  “Practicing?” I said. “Why do YOU want to be on the spelling team?”

  “My dad said he’ll give me my own laptop if I get on,” said Gwendoline. “A PINK one.”

  “Then tough luck,” said Ivy. “Because Martha will get on the team, not you.”

  “Martha?” said Gwendoline with a horrible laugh. “Are you serious? I don’t even know why she’s bothering.”

  Gwendoline set off to go to spelling club. I was really wishing I hadn’t put her name on that permission slip. Never mind—she was going to be in for a surprise!

  Ivy looked inside her sock to make sure the words were still there. Then she and Martha went to spelling club too. Me and Ellie and Bianca waited outside like we did before.

  Tinky tonk

  Tiddly plop

  Tick tock

  Went the clock

  (It might not be very good, but you have to admit it’s catchy.)

  This time when the club had finished, Ivy and Martha came out with big happy faces.

  “Ivy’s leg worked perfectly,” said Martha. “But how did you know what words it was going to be?”

  “James’s girlfriend told me,” I said.

  “I didn’t know James had a girlfriend,” said Martha.

  “Neither does he!” I said.

  They all gave me a funny look, but they knew it was better not to ask questions. The good news was that Martha had gotten the star words right! But there was also some bad news, and it was stomping down the corridor toward us.

  “Well, well, well,” said Gwendoline. “Imagine Martha getting them all right!”

  “You got two right,” said Martha, trying to be nice. “So you did very well.”

  “Don’t give me THAT!” said Gwendoline. “You were just lucky, but next week is the last test. I’ll beat you, and it’ll be ME on the team.”

  Too Many Xs!

  I love it when my plans work, so I couldn’t wait to give it another try. All I had to do was send Bella a nice reply to her last message and get the star words for the final test. There was just one little problem. Bella’s last message was going to be a bit harder to reply to!

  If you want to check, turn back to page 64. You’ll see that Bella sent Lots of love. Yuck! And she called herself Bellz. YUCKY YUCK! And she even asked what James looked like. BLURGHH! It was a good thing there was only one more spelling club meeting to go before the team was picked.

  Here’s the message I sent back to Bella. (And try not to laugh. I was doing it for Martha, remember?):

  Dear Bella,

  I’m very tall like you and I’ve got brown hair like you and I am very handsome with big muscles.

  So what words did you get today?

  Love from James

  Dad was starting to wonder what was going on with all these messages.

  I told him I was just keeping Bella happy, which was true. After all, she was getting lovely messages from a very handsome James with big muscles. Ha ha, it’s a good thing she didn’t know the truth!

  Bella sent a message back the next day, so I got a pencil and paper ready to write the words down. But this is what it said . . .

  Dear James,

  You put LOVE FROM JAMES on the end! I’m so happy! Have you got a girlfriend? And call me Bellz!!!

  LOTS of love, Bellz xxx

  EEEK! I didn’t want to get into this girlfriend-boyfriend thing. I tried again . . .

  Dear Bellz,

  You didn’t tell me your spelling words! Please do, because I think they are really interesting.

  Love from James.

  But here’s what came back:

  Dear James,

  Tell me if you’ve got a girlfriend first.

  OODLES OF LOVE from BELLZ xxx

  Oh, drat! Oh, well, at least my next message didn’t have any lies in it . . .

  Dear Bellz,

  No, I haven’t got a girlfriend. I can’t wait to know what words you got!

  Love from James

  Surely that HAD to be the last message I needed to send. I couldn’t think of anything else I could put in it. I was calling her Bellz, I’d put “Love from,” and I had told her James had muscles and he wasn’t married or anything.

  But even if I’d run out of ideas, Bella hadn’t . . .

  Dear James,

  If you haven’t got a girlfriend, then you can put an X after your messages if you like. I won’t mind!

  LOVE AND HUGS, BELLZ XXXXX

  I gave in. (Warning: The old man who types these books out for me was nearly sick when I told him about the next bit. It’s so gross that you might want to read it with your eyes shut. Good luck!)

  Dear Bellz,

  I love you so much even more than spelling and I really hope you can be my girlfriend because you are so lovely especially if you tell me what spelling words you got in your last test.

  Lots and lots and lots of love fr
om James XXXXXXXXXXXX

  I didn’t have to wait long.

  Dearest James,

  I’d do anything for you . . . OBSESSED, INFATUATED, BERSERK.

  LOVE, BELLZ XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

  XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

  XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

  XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

  XXXXXXXXXXXXX . . .

  . . . and all the XXXs filled up about three screens on the computer. EEEKY FREAK!

  While I was copying the spelling words down, Dad was looking over my shoulder at the screen.

  “What’s all that about?” he asked.

  “It’s Bella’s way of being nice and friendly,” I said.

  “Yikes!” said Dad. Then he gave a little laugh. “Your mom used to send me messages like that.”

  “So what do we do?” I asked.

  Dad pushed the DELETE button.

  The message disappeared forever.

  “It’s for the best,” said Dad.

  The Lesson

  On Monday when we got to class, Miss Pingle was messing around with her computer.

  “Settle yourselves down, children,” she said. “I’m doing a little job for Mrs. Twelvetrees.”

  Ha ha! That’s a joke.

  Miss Pingle is a new teacher and there are lots of fabulous things about her. One of them is her hair, which changes color every week. (This week’s color = lemon. Crazy!)

  About the only thing she isn’t fabulous at is computers. She was wearing a serious expression and wiggling the mouse. Then she got up and went over to the printer in the corner. She flipped a switch on the wall and stared at the printer hopefully. Oh, dear. The printer didn’t do anything, but behind her, the whiteboard came on. As the screen slowly got brighter, we could see she had been on the Internet.

  “What’s on the computer?” asked Ivy. “Have you been buying something?”

  “What?” said Miss P. Then she noticed some fuzzy writing was appearing on the board. “Oops! You’re not supposed to see that!”

  She hurried back to the computer. Click click twiddle! The screen went blank, and then the printer in the corner started buzzing.

  “Yippee!” said Miss P. “I did it!”

  She held her hand out and marched along the front of the class, giving everybody high-fives. YO, MISS PINGLE!

  She got the piece of paper out of the printer, folded it up neatly, and put it on her desk.

  Hmm . . . interesting! So Miss Pingle had printed out something for Mrs. Twelvetrees, had she? Something we weren’t supposed to see? Maybe it was the words for spelling club!

  “What’s that?” asked Ivy.

  “It’s private,” said Miss P.

  Ha! It was definitely the words for spelling club.

  “Now, then, everybody,” said Miss Pingle. “Today we’re studying India.”

  She pushed another button and the screen came on again, but it didn’t look much like India. It looked more like a pair of long red boots on sale for $24.99.

  HA HA HA HA HA!

  “That’s not India!” we all shouted.

  Poor Miss P. started stabbing at the computer, but the boots stayed there.

  “You’d look good in them,” said Ivy.

  “Do you think so?” said Miss Pingle.

  “Are you getting them?” asked Matt.

  “Thinking about it,” admitted Miss P.

  Just then the door opened and in came Mrs. Twelvetrees.

  “Good morning, gang!” said Mrs. T.

  “Good morning, Mrs. Twelvetrees,” said everybody.

  Mrs. T. went over to Miss P., who handed her the piece of folded paper.

  “Thank you, Miss Pingle,” said Mrs. T., but then she looked up and saw what was on the whiteboard.

  “Miss Pingle!” she said crossly. “Why do you have those boots on the board . . . for twenty-four ninety-nine?”

  “I’m sorry,” said Miss P. “It was my mistake.”

  “No. It was MY mistake,” said Mrs. Twelvetrees.

  Miss Pingle looked puzzled, but then Mrs. T. burst out laughing. “Yes, I made a big mistake. I got exactly the same boots myself, and I paid seventy dollars!”

  Mrs. T. headed toward the door but then turned back and waggled her piece of paper mysteriously. “Martha? Ivy? I’ll see you at lunchtime, girls!”

  Off she went, and then India turned up on the board and we all learned about where tea bags come from. How interesting. They also make coffee and rice and curry stuff—YUM! So let’s have a round of applause for India: clap, clap, clap.

  Martha’s Funny Mood

  At lunchtime, we were all on the playground getting Ivy’s leg ready for the spelling test.

  Ellie had Bianca’s pen and the list of words, but Martha was in a funny mood.

  “It’s not going to work,” said Martha.

  “Why not?” I said. “Ellie’s all ready to write the words, so we just need Ivy to pull her sock down . . .”

  And that’s when I saw the problem. Ivy was wearing blue tights. EEEK!

  But there’s no stopping Ivy. She started wiggling like a worm in a frying pan.

  “What ARE you doing?” I asked.

  “I’m pulling my tights down, of course,” said Ivy. “Then Ellie can write on my leg and I’ll pull them up again.”

  “So what happens during the test?” I asked. “Are you going to pull your tights down again?”

  “Why not?” said Ivy. “Nobody will notice.”

  But everybody on the whole playground had noticed! They had all stopped whatever they were doing and were looking our way.

  “Thanks, Ivy,” said Martha. “But don’t bother. I’m not going to spelling club.”

  “But they’re choosing the spelling team today,” said Ivy.

  “Martha,” I said, “there’s a soccer game tonight. Don’t you want to play?”

  “Of course I do! But Gwendoline deserves to get on the team more than me.”

  “Why?” we all said. “She’s HORRIBLE!”

  “Not as horrible as me,” said Martha. “She’s not cheating. I am.”

  “But you thought it was funny last time,” said Ivy.

  “That’s because it didn’t matter,” said Martha. “They weren’t choosing the team then, but this time they are, and Gwendoline’s been practicing her words all week.”

  As soon as Martha said it, I realized she was right.

  “Pull your tights up, Ivy,” I said. “If Gwendoline really has been working to win this, then what we’re doing is wrong.”

  “Wrong? What’s wrong?” said a voice behind us. It was Mrs. Twelvetrees . . . PANIC!

  She must have come out of the side door when we weren’t looking. How much had she heard? Ellie was trembling so much, she dropped the list of words on the ground.

  “Don’t litter,” said Mrs. T. “Pick it up, Ellie, and give it to me. I’ll toss it in the library trash can.”

  Ellie blushed bright red like a tomato. What would happen if Mrs. T. saw the words on the paper? Ellie was so frozen in fear that she couldn’t move.

  “I’ll get rid of it,” I said helpfully.

  But before I could grab the list, Mrs. T. stopped me.

  “No!” said Mrs. T. “Ellie dropped it, so Ellie can pick it up.”

  She stood there holding her hand out, waiting for Ellie to give her the paper. It was awful. None of us knew what to do, and then Ellie started to cry.

  “Oh, golly,” said Mrs. Twelvetrees. She sounded sorry. “Don’t get upset, Ellie! One little piece of dropped paper isn’t going to make the school fall down.”

  Mrs. Twelvetrees suddenly bent over and picked the paper up herself. Then she stood there, twisting it in her fingers.

  “Cheer up, girls!” she said brightly. “We’ve got spelling club in five minutes.”

  She waved the paper in our faces.

  “And you’ll never guess what the star words are!” she said.

  Then, without thinking, she shoved the paper in h
er pocket and went back inside.

  Ellie Makes Me Jealous

  That afternoon was NOT a lot of fun.

  Martha and Ivy hadn’t gone to spelling club. What was the point? Martha was never going to get on the spelling team. Even worse, what would happen if Mrs. Twelvetrees found our list of star words in her pocket? Martha would be in such trouble that her mom would never, ever let her play soccer again EVER.

  No wonder Martha spent the whole afternoon with her arms wrapped around her head.

  It was almost as bad for Ellie. She sat next to Martha and kept whispering “Sorry” to her and trying not to cry. Poor Ellie. All she’d done was drop a piece of paper, but it had ruined everything.

  The worst thing for me was that it was all my fault, because I was the one who’d told Martha to cheat—and I shouldn’t have done that, even if Gwendoline Tutt is totally evil. I HAD to do something about that piece of paper in Mrs. T.’s pocket, but what?

  Finally we heard Motley ring the bell for the end of school.

  “Pack up your things, children,” said Miss Pingle. “Leave your desks tidy!”

  The boys all jumped up and charged out of the door like boys do. Martha got to her feet, wiped her nose on her sleeve, and picked up her bag.

  “Sorry, Martha,” said Ellie. “Sorry. Sorry. Sorry, sorry.”

  Martha completely ignored her and didn’t wait for any of us. She just pushed her way out of the classroom, so Ivy and Bianca chased after her to see if there was anything they could do. I was going to go with them, but Ellie caught my sleeve. She had big red eyes where she’d been rubbing them.